Learning to live without the person whom we loved more than our life is one of the toughest things we humans experience during our life.
Almost every moment of our day we spend in their shadows, enveloped in their love; we don’t even realise when they became an extension of our selves. We come to accept them along with their flaws, their peculiarities, which often have the potential to drain us of our patience. Yet, we love them, unconditionally, at times wondering how we survived before they entered our world. Often, we also wonder how we will ever survive after they leave our world.
The human mind is such. Its ability to give birth to a thought and then mull over it however unpleasant it may be, is quite baffling! We realise we stand to lose our sanity if we don’t get rid of that negative thought; we understand how important it is to live in the moment and enjoy it with the loved ones we fear losing someday, yet we keep worrying ourselves to death about what would happen to us if, someday, this person would cease to exist.
And, when that day does arrive, we find ourselves struggling, like a fish fighting to breathe when swept ashore by the cruel waves and left there to die.
The person we depended upon for succour, is no longer around to offer it to us when we need it the most. We dwell upon those moments when we rushed to them to seek comfort during times of solitude and sadness. And now, as we grapple with those very emotions, we find ourselves all alone, unable to express to our near and dear ones the cause of our depression! We grieve for that one person who could read our mind and offer their unfailing support without us having to ask for it and look around, trying to find that support in the ones who are around us, but in vain. And, that’s when we realise what an important role some people play in our lives. That’s when we realise that learning to live without them is now going to be an experience we won’t get over any time soon!
These days, the thoughts that crowd my already struggling mind are, is it wise getting emotionally attached to someone knowing fully well that someday they will be spoken about in the past tense, leaving our present in a state of misery? Someday, we all will have to part ways with our loved ones for a varied reasons; won’t we be leaving behind souls deprived of our love, or they ours? Then why can’t we teach ourselves to live a life of detachment; learn to be as dispassionate and remote from those around us as our foolish emotional souls allow us to be? It will be easier to deal with the loss – for them as well as for us – isn’t it?
Maybe, these are the immediate aftereffects of the loss I suffered on my baby’s demise that cause my mind to come up with such cynical thoughts. Maybe, someday I will learn to live without him, and look back at our life together with great fondness, revelling in many a happy memory. But, until that ‘someday’, I will have to fight this loneliness and depression that haunts me, often taking me by surprise even in the midst of the varied activities I occupy myself with these days.
Learning to live without this person I was so close to for close to thirteen years is going to be one of the toughest experiences of my life. Suffice it to say, I rue the fact that I wasn’t prepared for this battle.
Hubby brought home a parrot to fill the void left by Chikoo’s passing away, and I am just not able to get myself to bond with this guy.
I keep wondering if I am unable to bond with him because I don’t want to bond with him? He won’t be taking Chikoo’s place, for sure. But, I don’t want to give him any place, either. Not in my heart, no.
Am I being cruel?