Love – Lost and found.

Love – Lost and found.

Four months ago, I lost the love of my life, my pet dog, Chikoo. The heartache was unbearable. All the love that I was used to, was gone, forever. Dealing with his absence was exhausting.

Heartbreak, or loss of someone you have loved dearly, takes its toll on the heart. It takes time to mend and get back to its sunny, cheery self again. I found it strenuous collecting the pieces of my broken heart and getting through this alien phase. I knew for sure that I wouldn’t be bringing another pet to fill the void Chikoo left. How could I give his place to someone else? And, getting attached to another soul would mean going through the pangs of separation all over again.

My day would begin with remembering my dear departed pet, and end with his memories. There were times I would find myself caught in the tussle between my mind and my heart: should I bring home another pet? At least it would save me from feeling lonely. But, what if I am not able to show them the love I did to Chikoo?

And, one day, out of the blue, hubby brought home a parakeet. A bird?! I was astonished. Why? Oh, why, did he have to give in to his impulses? Why couldn’t he have conferred with me at least once before bringing home the bird? I was already finding it difficult dealing with all the confusion, and now I had to deal with this new arrival! He was finding it difficult to deal with the void Chikoo’s passing had left, and, so he got home this bird, was his reply.

A dog and a bird are as different as chalk and cheese. The dog being the cheese – gooey and soft, and oh, so lovely – and the bird being the chalk – as emotionless as the piece of stationary. Or so I thought. Because, each time we tried to feed it, it would shrink away in fear, or try to peck at our fingers! I felt it may have had a traumatic experience with humans in the pet shop. Or, it may be in need of some time to get adjusted to its new environment.

But, even after three months, the situation had not improved. I, too, had not tried to bond with him, or her. We couldn’t even make out its gender! I did not want to get attached to anybody all over again. Everything I did for the bird, was done mechanically, without investing any emotions.

Until, I began ‘talking’ to it, it being the only other soul in the house all day. Not that I would have heart to heart conversations with it, but I would just say things to it to hear it respond, “Eh?” It sounded cute. Moreover, I really don’t remember what had overtaken me.

And, one fine day last week, as I sat beside its cage, reading a book, it hopped over from its little stool ( its cage is placed on a stool and the door of the cage is open for the bird to move about freely) to mine. I just watched silently, in surprise, as it then snuggled against my back, and went off to sleep! it was seeking from me the warmth it had missed out on all these months!

In a matter of days, he had moved on to perching on my shoulders, nibbling at my neck or my ears and eating from my dinner plate. And, I had moved on from referring to the bird as “it”, to “he”. In short, the little birdie had found its mama, and I had found my Chikoo, all over again.

I remember this quote I read sometime ago:

“All the love that you give away, will one day find its way back to you!”

He loves to lean on my shoulder and chat with me in ‘parakeetese’. We hold deep conversations, he and I. And, when he is tired and sleepy after all the activity he indulges in, he hops on to my lap, nestles in the crook of my arm and goes off to sleep. He is fond of all the stuff Chikoo was fond off. He, in fact, displays traits that were so typically Chikoo! I believe that my Chikoo is back. Maybe, his soul took three months to find its way to the bird, and that is why it took me three months to bond with the bird.

Silly, emotional me!

I am aware that this guy, too, will be gone some day. That’s what happens, isn’t it? People enter our life, touch our heart and move away when their time in our life is up. Saddening, but true. But, that’s okay. I am strengthening my heart, making myself resilient to the changing nature of the world.

Oh, did I tell you, I call him, Cookie, which, at times, changes to Chikky, which was another name for Chikoo! And, so often, he doesn’t respond to, “Hey, Cookie…!”, but definitely does to, “Hey, Chikky…!”

Post co-authored by Cookie.

*Linking this post to Friday Reflections, at Write Tribe.

The prompt for today was the 25th word on the 25th page of the book we are reading presently. And, the word I found was ‘found‘!

On love and attachments.

On love and attachments.

Learning to live without the person whom we loved more than our life is one of the toughest things we humans experience during our life.
Almost every moment of our day we spend in their shadows, enveloped in their love; we don’t even realise when they became an extension of our selves. We come to accept them along with their flaws, their peculiarities, which often have the potential to drain us of our patience. Yet, we love them, unconditionally, at times wondering how we survived before they entered our world. Often, we also wonder how we will ever survive after they leave our world.

The human mind is such.  Its ability to give birth to a thought and then mull over it however unpleasant it may be, is quite baffling! We realise we stand to lose our sanity if we don’t get rid of that negative thought; we understand how important it is to live in the moment and enjoy it with the loved ones we fear losing someday, yet we keep worrying ourselves to death about what would happen to us if, someday, this person would cease to exist.

And, when that day does arrive, we find ourselves struggling, like a fish fighting to breathe when swept ashore by the cruel waves and left there to die.
The person we depended upon for succour, is no longer around to offer it to us when we need it the most.  We dwell upon those moments when we rushed to them to seek comfort during times of solitude and sadness. And now, as we grapple with those very emotions, we find ourselves all alone, unable to express to our near and dear ones the cause of our depression! We grieve for that one person who could read our mind and offer  their unfailing support without us having to ask for it and look around, trying to find that support in the ones who are around us, but in vain. And, that’s when we realise what an important role some people play in our lives. That’s when we realise that learning to live without them is now going to be an experience we won’t get over any time soon!

These days, the thoughts that crowd my already struggling mind are, is it wise getting emotionally attached to someone knowing fully well that someday they will be spoken about in the past tense, leaving our present in a state of misery?  Someday, we all will have to part ways with our loved ones for a varied reasons; won’t we be leaving behind souls deprived of our love, or they ours? Then why can’t we teach ourselves to live a life of detachment; learn to be as dispassionate and remote from those around us as our foolish emotional souls allow us to be?  It will be easier to deal with the loss – for them as well as for us – isn’t it?

Maybe, these are the immediate aftereffects of the loss I suffered on my baby’s demise that cause my mind to come up with such cynical thoughts.  Maybe, someday I will learn to live without him, and look back at our life together with  great fondness, revelling in many a happy memory. But, until that ‘someday’, I will have to fight this loneliness and depression that haunts me, often taking me by surprise even in the midst of the varied activities I occupy myself with these days.

Learning to live without this person I was so close to for close to thirteen years is going to be one of the toughest experiences of my life. Suffice  it to say, I rue the fact that I wasn’t prepared for this battle.

P.S.

Hubby brought home a parrot to fill the void left by Chikoo’s passing away, and I am just not able to get myself to bond with this guy.
I keep wondering if I am unable to bond with him because I don’t want to bond with him? He won’t be taking Chikoo’s place, for sure. But, I don’t want to give him any place, either. Not in my heart, no.
Am I being cruel?