Love – Lost and found.

Love – Lost and found.

Four months ago, I lost the love of my life, my pet dog, Chikoo. The heartache was unbearable. All the love that I was used to, was gone, forever. Dealing with his absence was exhausting.

Heartbreak, or loss of someone you have loved dearly, takes its toll on the heart. It takes time to mend and get back to its sunny, cheery self again. I found it strenuous collecting the pieces of my broken heart and getting through this alien phase. I knew for sure that I wouldn’t be bringing another pet to fill the void Chikoo left. How could I give his place to someone else? And, getting attached to another soul would mean going through the pangs of separation all over again.

My day would begin with remembering my dear departed pet, and end with his memories. There were times I would find myself caught in the tussle between my mind and my heart: should I bring home another pet? At least it would save me from feeling lonely. But, what if I am not able to show them the love I did to Chikoo?

And, one day, out of the blue, hubby brought home a parakeet. A bird?! I was astonished. Why? Oh, why, did he have to give in to his impulses? Why couldn’t he have conferred with me at least once before bringing home the bird? I was already finding it difficult dealing with all the confusion, and now I had to deal with this new arrival! He was finding it difficult to deal with the void Chikoo’s passing had left, and, so he got home this bird, was his reply.

A dog and a bird are as different as chalk and cheese. The dog being the cheese – gooey and soft, and oh, so lovely – and the bird being the chalk – as emotionless as the piece of stationary. Or so I thought. Because, each time we tried to feed it, it would shrink away in fear, or try to peck at our fingers! I felt it may have had a traumatic experience with humans in the pet shop. Or, it may be in need of some time to get adjusted to its new environment.

But, even after three months, the situation had not improved. I, too, had not tried to bond with him, or her. We couldn’t even make out its gender! I did not want to get attached to anybody all over again. Everything I did for the bird, was done mechanically, without investing any emotions.

Until, I began ‘talking’ to it, it being the only other soul in the house all day. Not that I would have heart to heart conversations with it, but I would just say things to it to hear it respond, “Eh?” It sounded cute. Moreover, I really don’t remember what had overtaken me.

And, one fine day last week, as I sat beside its cage, reading a book, it hopped over from its little stool ( its cage is placed on a stool and the door of the cage is open for the bird to move about freely) to mine. I just watched silently, in surprise, as it then snuggled against my back, and went off to sleep! it was seeking from me the warmth it had missed out on all these months!

In a matter of days, he had moved on to perching on my shoulders, nibbling at my neck or my ears and eating from my dinner plate. And, I had moved on from referring to the bird as “it”, to “he”. In short, the little birdie had found its mama, and I had found my Chikoo, all over again.

I remember this quote I read sometime ago:

All the love that you give away, will one day find its way back to you!”

He loves to lean on my shoulder and chat with me in ‘parakeetese’. We hold deep conversations, he and I. And, when he is tired and sleepy after all the activity he indulges in, he hops on to my lap, nestles in the crook of my arm and goes off to sleep. He is fond of all the stuff Chikoo was fond off. He, in fact, displays traits that were so typically Chikoo! I believe that my Chikoo is back. Maybe, his soul took three months to find its way to the bird, and that is why it took me three months to bond with the bird.

Silly, emotional me!

I am aware that this guy, too, will be gone some day. That’s what happens, isn’t it? People enter our life, touch our heart and move away when their time in our life is up. Saddening, but true. But, that’s okay. I am strengthening my heart, making myself resilient to the changing nature of the world.

Oh, did I tell you, I call him, Cookie, which, at times, changes to Chikky, which was another name for Chikoo! And, so often, he doesn’t respond to, “Hey, Cookie…!”, but definitely does to, “Hey, Chikky…!”

Post co-authored by Cookie.

*Linking this post to Friday Reflections, at Write Tribe.

The prompt for today was the 25th word on the 25th page of the book we are reading presently. And, the word I found was ‘found‘!

On the temporariness of life.

On the temporariness of life.

It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer.
What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.

_Thich Nhat Hanh

How I wish this vibrant bloom would defy the impermanent nature of life!

It has been some time now since I have been on a learning spree, if I can call it that – spree, I mean. It really wasn’t what I wanted to do, but life seems to have had some plans up its sleeve, and it sprung those upon me when I wasn’t really looking forward to any major changes.

I lost the apple of my eyes – my pet, Chikoo. Not that I hadn’t known  all along that some day he would part ways with us. We all do. As if we have a say in matters of the universe!  So, as much as I have accepted that this is the nature of life – temporary – I am finding it difficult to deal with my loss.

Dealing with loss isn’t easy; how well we all know that! And, yet, we keep on moving ahead in life, wishing life was easier to deal with, loss was easier to deal with. Sadly, though, we really have no  choice but accept whatever fate has in store for us.  We lose people to death or to circumstances; at times, people simply drift away, like the ship that drifts away by the current of the sea waters leaving behind many a teary eyed souls waving their goodbyes to their ‘someones’ who may never ever return. Despite making promises of staying by each other’s sides forever and ever people move away, reinforcing the temporariness of everything in life.

Haven’t we known all along that nothing lasts forever, not even feelings, then why do we find it so painful to accept this bitter fact of life? There are some brave hearts out there, who accept it all with a smile – the changes that occur, the losses they suffer – all of it. I like to think that either they are superlatively courageous, or exceedingly stoic. I am not so sure if there are any degrees of stoicism, though, but this is what I feel about people who take it all on their chin.

And, here I am, unable to digest even the loss of  friends who decided to go their separate ways without so much as a goodbye! As much as  I am aware of this temporariness, I am still to come to terms with the fact that there are people  in my life who might just walk away from me some day; without caring to give me an explanation, or even bid me farewell! I am still to accept the fact that the life I live today might take a 360 degree turn and change like I have never ever imagined. And, that is what frightens me. It just scares the hell out of me! It’s really not the kind of language I use on my blog, but these words perfectly sum up my feelings!

This constant urge to change is the one characteristic feature of life that overwhelms me. How I wish things were a bit different, with only the unpleasantness undergoing the necessary change and the happiness staying intact…untouched! Life would be so happy happy…no? Now, I know what you will say: “if we don’t learn about sorrow, how will we value the happiness we are blessed with?” etc etc. But, I say, what’s the harm in fantasising? We have to get back to facing life in a moment or two, so until then, why not just go sailing on the ship of our dreams and wish life stayed a bed of roses?

I would have then had my Chikoo with me, always, always!

Sigh.

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Linking this post to #ChattyBlogs by @ Shanaya tales. Do visit and share some love.. 🙂



Love bites…A happy post.

Love bites…A happy post.

No, no. This post has nothing to do with erotica! It also isn’t about love that bites (as in, our fur babies, who enjoy nipping, nibbling etc when in  prankster mode). It’s about a  little something I have been indulging in since some time now.

My mind being very productive tends to go off on its own endless trips when left idle. Needless to say, such trips can  leave me totally exhausted, mentally and emotionally. So, some time back, I decided to keep it engaged in some more activities, apart from writing and art, so that it would stay happy despite all the chaos that life can be.

I began baking, seriously. I did bake earlier, too, but this time, I decided to really take  efforts in working on my baking skills with the help of my dear cousin, who is an accomplished baker herself. I began with different types of cookies and cupcakes and, fortunately, they turned out quite well! Chikoo would drool when those babies were getting baked in the oven, so I know. His drool spoke a lot about their goodness!
And, these are the love bites I am talking about! 😀 I mean, who doesn’t love to have a bite  of such sinfully tasty things, haan?
I have been baking like a woman possessed, baking being such a therapeutic activity. Moreover, people buy the stuff I bake, so thankfully, I don’t have to pile on the calories all by myself! 😜

I remember how Chikoo would begin howling no sooner the aroma of the cakes would reach his highly sensitive nose and beg me to give him some..

Chikoo demanding his share!

For the love of God, stop torturing me, woman, and just bring me some of those goodies, will ya?”
he would say. Never was he satisfied with a bite or two. He would demand a lot more and made sure I gave him all he asked for. I knew it wasn’t good for his health, but I felt that he had lived his life eating all the healthy (and boring) food I gave him, day in day out, without grumbling even once, and now that he was old, he ought to enjoy in every way.

Chikoo by the oven, when he could walk.

These days as I bake, my thoughts invariably take me to the not-so-distant past, when Chikoo would keep loitering around the kitchen (or insist I help him move to that favourite spot of his when he couldn’t walk) and keep staring at me as I worked. His olfactory organs on high alert, waiting to catch the first whiff of the oven baked yummies, his tongue drooling puddles as he sat in anticipation of his favourite cakes and cookies.

Nowadays, I place his picture frame on the dining table that’s right across the kitchen, so each time I turn around, I find him staring back at me from the frame, inundating me with those sweet memories of the past. It brings a lump to my throat as I realise he isn’t here to demand his share of my cakes, anymore, but I know he is there, somewhere around, drooling at the heavenly aroma!

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Today, it’s two weeks since my little fella crossed the rainbow bridge. There are moments when I smile – giggle, too –  as I reminisce about our past. But, there are also moments when the tears, they gush out unannounced, and leave me completely drained. But, then, so is life, isn’t it? We all miss our people when they are no more with us. At times, their memories make us laugh, at times they make us weep, and then when these moments pass us by, we get on with life, all over again!

I do have a bone to pick with Chikoo, though. It’s been two long weeks, and not once has he visited me in my dreams! I mean, I have a whole lot of people who do, but this little guy seems to have forgotten me completely!

Hey, Chikoo, are you listening?

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Chikoo:  Chillax, mom! Yeah, that’s one of the new and cool words my buddies here taught me. And they are so much better than those boring words you drilled into my head every time you went clickety-click at your laptop!
Anyway, woman, just ‘coz I haven’t visited you in your dreams does not mean I have forgotten you, okay? Don’t you know I reside in your heart? The thing that goes thud-thud in your heart isn’t your heartbeat, it’s my tail, wagging against your chest, you dodo! 
Oh, and I am also very much around you…all the time. Those vanilla cakes you baked today..those smelled like heaven. Ah, I wish they baked those things here, too. Then, I would have my cake and eat it, too! Bwahahahaha! 

Oh, by the way, mom, I am gonna be busy for some time. Psst..there are some really sexy girls out here, and, they hardly leave me alone! So, ya see, I will come visit ya in your dreams once those chicks give me a break! 
Until then, ciao, mom! 
Take care!











Back to blogging.

Back to blogging.

The days, they pass by in the blink of an eye. Life changes in the blink of an eye; people move away – some part with us for reasons unknown, and some part with us in keeping with the fundamentals of the universe. Death snatches from us our beloved people, leaving us to mourn and strive to fill up the void their departure creates. It’s tough, this thing called life. 

 We  grieve for the ones who loved and left and then slowly begin living a life without them around. We assure ourselves we will get over it all – the sorrow, not the person lost – but, alas, we don’t. We only get used to looking at our world differently. We adapt ourselves to the glaring absence of that one soul around whom our world once revolved.

We cry our hearts out remembering the minutest details of their last moments with us. But then, after the tears have all dried up, there comes this phase when everything feels strange. The deafening silence in the house, the sudden change in our everyday lives, the words that used to be on our lips every minute but which now stop short on realising that the person they were meant for isn’t around anymore.  Everything feels unnatural. And, that’s when we learn the gory reality of life: nothing is constant.. change is constant.

It’s a week today since Chikoo’s passing. The initial two days were scary. Hubby and I  dreaded staying at home – it felt so quiet, so…alien. I would get panicky by the mere thought of returning home each time we stepped out. But, I know Chikoo would never have approved of this sissiness.  So, I have been keeping myself occupied to a great extent.  And, funny though it may sound, but I carry Chikoo’s photo frame everywhere I go – to the bedroom at night, or place it on the dining table in such a way that he is in my line of vision whenever I peep out of the kitchen. I need this solace till the time  my heart grows accustomed to that achy feeling we experience when we lose our most precious possession.

My mind often wanders to the times when my boy would drive me crazy with his incessant barking, and his arguments and counter-questions. Yes, he did that! His bark would tell me if he was complaining, arguing or throwing a tantrum. Then, I would really lose my mind, but now, when I reminisce about those moments, I smile. Thankfully, for Chikoo, there aren’t any more waterworks! He lived a wonderful life and, like everything else in this world, his heart had to cease beating, too,  someday. Accepting such facts of life makes living easier, isn’t it? Well, sort of.

Today’s post is my first in a really long time. Earlier, when he was too ill, I did not have the heart to type a word. Then, since a week now, I have been having a tug-of-war with myself – to write or not to write. Finally, I decided to write this post to celebrate the gentle soul, who was my son.  There isn’t much about him here. But, my future posts  will have Chikoo featuring in his own special way. Hopefully, this will awaken the writing bug in me and propel me to achieve what I have been dreaming of since a long time, now.

This morning, during my heart to heart chat with Chikoo, I pleaded with him to send me a sign that he was there, somewhere, around me. I think the fact, that after a lot of debating with myself I wrote this post, is a sign that he is very much there, by my side, watching over me with his big, brown eyes, like he always did!