On love and attachments.

On love and attachments.

Learning to live without the person whom we loved more than our life is one of the toughest things we humans experience during our life.
Almost every moment of our day we spend in their shadows, enveloped in their love; we don’t even realise when they became an extension of our selves. We come to accept them along with their flaws, their peculiarities, which often have the potential to drain us of our patience. Yet, we love them, unconditionally, at times wondering how we survived before they entered our world. Often, we also wonder how we will ever survive after they leave our world.

The human mind is such.  Its ability to give birth to a thought and then mull over it however unpleasant it may be, is quite baffling! We realise we stand to lose our sanity if we don’t get rid of that negative thought; we understand how important it is to live in the moment and enjoy it with the loved ones we fear losing someday, yet we keep worrying ourselves to death about what would happen to us if, someday, this person would cease to exist.

And, when that day does arrive, we find ourselves struggling, like a fish fighting to breathe when swept ashore by the cruel waves and left there to die.
The person we depended upon for succour, is no longer around to offer it to us when we need it the most.  We dwell upon those moments when we rushed to them to seek comfort during times of solitude and sadness. And now, as we grapple with those very emotions, we find ourselves all alone, unable to express to our near and dear ones the cause of our depression! We grieve for that one person who could read our mind and offer  their unfailing support without us having to ask for it and look around, trying to find that support in the ones who are around us, but in vain. And, that’s when we realise what an important role some people play in our lives. That’s when we realise that learning to live without them is now going to be an experience we won’t get over any time soon!

These days, the thoughts that crowd my already struggling mind are, is it wise getting emotionally attached to someone knowing fully well that someday they will be spoken about in the past tense, leaving our present in a state of misery?  Someday, we all will have to part ways with our loved ones for a varied reasons; won’t we be leaving behind souls deprived of our love, or they ours? Then why can’t we teach ourselves to live a life of detachment; learn to be as dispassionate and remote from those around us as our foolish emotional souls allow us to be?  It will be easier to deal with the loss – for them as well as for us – isn’t it?

Maybe, these are the immediate aftereffects of the loss I suffered on my baby’s demise that cause my mind to come up with such cynical thoughts.  Maybe, someday I will learn to live without him, and look back at our life together with  great fondness, revelling in many a happy memory. But, until that ‘someday’, I will have to fight this loneliness and depression that haunts me, often taking me by surprise even in the midst of the varied activities I occupy myself with these days.

Learning to live without this person I was so close to for close to thirteen years is going to be one of the toughest experiences of my life. Suffice  it to say, I rue the fact that I wasn’t prepared for this battle.

P.S.

Hubby brought home a parrot to fill the void left by Chikoo’s passing away, and I am just not able to get myself to bond with this guy.
I keep wondering if I am unable to bond with him because I don’t want to bond with him? He won’t be taking Chikoo’s place, for sure. But, I don’t want to give him any place, either. Not in my heart, no.
Am I being cruel?

Back to blogging.

Back to blogging.

The days, they pass by in the blink of an eye. Life changes in the blink of an eye; people move away – some part with us for reasons unknown, and some part with us in keeping with the fundamentals of the universe. Death snatches from us our beloved people, leaving us to mourn and strive to fill up the void their departure creates. It’s tough, this thing called life. 

 We  grieve for the ones who loved and left and then slowly begin living a life without them around. We assure ourselves we will get over it all – the sorrow, not the person lost – but, alas, we don’t. We only get used to looking at our world differently. We adapt ourselves to the glaring absence of that one soul around whom our world once revolved.

We cry our hearts out remembering the minutest details of their last moments with us. But then, after the tears have all dried up, there comes this phase when everything feels strange. The deafening silence in the house, the sudden change in our everyday lives, the words that used to be on our lips every minute but which now stop short on realising that the person they were meant for isn’t around anymore.  Everything feels unnatural. And, that’s when we learn the gory reality of life: nothing is constant.. change is constant.

It’s a week today since Chikoo’s passing. The initial two days were scary. Hubby and I  dreaded staying at home – it felt so quiet, so…alien. I would get panicky by the mere thought of returning home each time we stepped out. But, I know Chikoo would never have approved of this sissiness.  So, I have been keeping myself occupied to a great extent.  And, funny though it may sound, but I carry Chikoo’s photo frame everywhere I go – to the bedroom at night, or place it on the dining table in such a way that he is in my line of vision whenever I peep out of the kitchen. I need this solace till the time  my heart grows accustomed to that achy feeling we experience when we lose our most precious possession.

My mind often wanders to the times when my boy would drive me crazy with his incessant barking, and his arguments and counter-questions. Yes, he did that! His bark would tell me if he was complaining, arguing or throwing a tantrum. Then, I would really lose my mind, but now, when I reminisce about those moments, I smile. Thankfully, for Chikoo, there aren’t any more waterworks! He lived a wonderful life and, like everything else in this world, his heart had to cease beating, too,  someday. Accepting such facts of life makes living easier, isn’t it? Well, sort of.

Today’s post is my first in a really long time. Earlier, when he was too ill, I did not have the heart to type a word. Then, since a week now, I have been having a tug-of-war with myself – to write or not to write. Finally, I decided to write this post to celebrate the gentle soul, who was my son.  There isn’t much about him here. But, my future posts  will have Chikoo featuring in his own special way. Hopefully, this will awaken the writing bug in me and propel me to achieve what I have been dreaming of since a long time, now.

This morning, during my heart to heart chat with Chikoo, I pleaded with him to send me a sign that he was there, somewhere, around me. I think the fact, that after a lot of debating with myself I wrote this post, is a sign that he is very much there, by my side, watching over me with his big, brown eyes, like he always did!